How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much by Richard Jacob

For the insatiably curious: written several years ago and bearing no relationship to my life now, real or imagined.

So, I’ve been taken out to lunch and walk back past a bookshop where, staring right at me from the window is this:

Penis Pokey photo PenisPokey.gif

Went in, took a look and it is a game book with a large hole drilled through every (stiff) page. I just didn’t think I had anything I could use to play. But I noticed I was standing right next to How to Live with a Huge Penis;. I’m not getting enough little penis at the moment, let along oversized. Still, why not be prepared? I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but yeah, yeah, yeah, I bought the book.

And I have to say, it’s a real eye-opener.

I’m not a penis-discussing sort of girl, but some time ago Emma and I both moved to the same city and one day she talked about how much she missed, not so much her ex-lover of some years, but his penis, certainly. Emma and I had both downsized and that takes some getting used to. If you are a guy and you are into big tits, for example, bottom line is you can close your eyes and imagine them, can’t you? But you can’t do that with penises. They aren’t just in your head. You know what I mean.

I’d never really thought about how awful it must be having OMG…that’s oversized male genitalia. Especially if you live in the wrong place:

Am I required to register my OMG status with the government?

Dr Richard: For many people, the answer is still yes. The following four states still require men with an OMG diagnosis to registered with their local police departments: Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, and Vermont.

Then there is the question ‘How Big is Huge?’

At what point does a penis cease being merely large and cross the threshold into OMG? Beginning with the Canary Island Conference of 1904 and as recently as Dr Herbert Sumner’s (now widely discredited) <i>On Huge Penises</i>  of 1970, there have been several attempts to create universal diagnostic guidelines

The historical perspective:

A young Einstein once pondered how long it would take light to travel from one end of his gigantic penis to the other…

Some natural history…to which I can only say Half your luck, barnacle girls.

And what self-help book – I’m only guessing, mind – would be complete without a Daily Affirmation Journal. ‘My positive penis thought of the day’ – well, I live in hope, but. ‘Here’s a drawing of my penis making somebody happy’. Unlikely, having read this book. ‘I shouldn’t fellate myself today because’

This book is supposed to be hilarious. Huh? Maybe you have to have read a self-help book in order to find this parody funny. Or maybe you need an oversized penis….or an undersized one. If you do think you are too small, this book will have you counting your blessings, every little one of them.

Me, I’ve spent $23 on a book that’s put me off penises altogether for a bit. The best I can hope for from my investment is some goodreads votes. And I don’t even know how to pass the book on. All in all I think I would have been better off with Penis Pokey, but I’ll never know. There are lots of downsides to not getting enough sex. Buying stupid books is now on the list.

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4 thoughts on “How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much by Richard Jacob

    • You shameless hussy. I’m wondering if it should be Robert who blushes. 🙂 Please tell me it is only academic interest on your part!

      In fact, this was the denouement as I see recorded on the goodreads comments to the review:

      On the nature of value.

      (1) $23 at The Bookhouse buys you secondhand copies of both The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo AND A Fine Balance. NOT good value, not in the least, wouldn’t think of doing it.

      (2) Returning How to Live with a Huge Penis to The Bookhouse, price $23, value nothing whatsoever, and exchanging it for both The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo AND A Fine Balance. What a bargain. It’s like stealing. I’m so happy.

    • Tini, when I first wrote that review in 2009, I had that feeling that the emptiness of my life wasn’t just about penises. Little did I know I had to travel over the other side of the world and meet you. If only I had known.

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